Why is There No Deodorant at Court

Here is a story I’m sure we can all learn from to prevent future mistakes.

Recap story:

Four months ago I was pulled over for “talking on the phone.” Granted, I did not speak on the phone and had full proof of it with the incoming and outgoing calls transcript I received from my phone company. Additionally, about two days prior I spent 80 shekels ($23.17) on this God damn thing that holds my phone. Seriously- it was worth it, the thing is awesome!

Anyways, I get pulled over and tell the nice police officer I was not speaking on my phone. She obviously says I was, I continue to argue I wasn’t. Later on in the month I even notice that my back window is about 80% black tinted. You seriously can’t see jackshit. So I say- Pay 1,000 shekels ($289.58) for something I didn’t do- or go to court? Obviously chose to go to court.

I send in a request and a few weeks later receive an approval and that I have a court date! Woopdyyydooo!

I call my phone company (numerous times…it’s Israel) to receive the full transcript from them. I also have an encrypted excel file that they have provided me on my computer. I’m all ready! I wait patiently for my big day.

Now whoever knows me well knows- If I don’t write it down, it ain’t happening!!! I write everything down on my calendar cause I’m actually that bad guys. I started my exam period a couple of weeks ago and things have been a little crazy… yes- this is no excuse.

I wake up this morning June 15th, 2014 (I’ll probably remember this day in 10 years when my kid asks me “Mommy whats the date today?” – Go to the bathroom, and as I brush my teeth think *Damn… I have that court date coming up… I wonder when it is*

Please keep in mind the transcripts from my phone company and the God damn ticket are at home and I am NOT at home. Not even close on a Sunday morning traffic level guys.

Open my photos and look for the ticket to check the date. Yup, I need to be in court in 40 minutes. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO FIRST?!

A. Start calling the police department to figure out if I can move this shit to a different day so I can at least shower before it

B. Run home (40 minutes is definitely not enough time to go home and make it to court knowing court is about 30 minutes away from me now)

C. Key the judges car so he doesn’t make it in time (How the fuck do I figure out where he lives right now?)

D. Go completely ape shit and make it to court in time looking the way I do now (I’m not very pretty in the morning without coffee people)

I chose D. Might have been the worst choice, but it happened. I make it to court looking like a cheap hooker. No deodorant, an ugly tank top, and thankfully I remembered to put on pants so the judge doesn’t check out my bum.

Thankfully, and with the help of my boyfriend and my aunt who is a lawyer- I make it to court in time (paid way too much money for a cab there and back but seriously- I shouldn’t have been driving there) Walk into court, make my way to the room I need to be in and see the judge. Okay, he looks kind of nice. Sit my ass down and wait my turn.

Issue #1. I don’t understand court language in English, this guy speaks court language in Hebrew. WHAT?!!!?

Issue #2. I don’t have the ticket. What’s my case number for Christ sake?

Issue #3. I still don’t have deodorant. Knew it should have been in my bag.

My aunt makes it a little bit late and we end up being sent to some lady sitting outside that can actually cancel my ticket before I even enter court! YAY!!! So I go to her. She tells me my encrypted excel file is worth nothing to her and neither is the picture of my tinted window. Okay. Cool. So I start crying at this point because I want to hit this lady and go figure I can’t. And she says to me in English because she understands I am not one of her people – “Why are you getting excited?” Now at this point I wanted to laugh. But I did everything in my power not to because if I were to disrespect her I should just punch her in the face, not laugh. So I say “This isn’t what people do when they get excited.” And leave. Granted, in Hebrew when someone takes something emotionally they say “mitragesh” (מתרגש), So I do understand why she translated it like that. But she is obviously unaware of how dumb she sounded when she told a person who is crying, “Why are you getting excited?”

I ended up paying about 300 shekels ($86.87) for something I didn’t actually do.

Yes, I am an idiot and made a stupid stupid stupid mistake not writing this down in my calendar but moral of the story is:

1. WRITE SHIT DOWN BITCH.

2. Let’s help people who don’t know English so they don’t go on a date tomorrow and make a fool out of themselves.

3. Don’t think about anything while brushing your teeth in the morning. Not even what you are going to wear.

4. Put deodorant in your bag, ass hole.

Thanks for listening people. Peace in the Middle East.